“We want people to be real and human. Connection means being physically there and present." – ’Will’, 21 years old, with lived experience of care.

We all know that children in the child protection system need real human connection.

But the moment a child enters the system, they’re placed at a relational disadvantage. Bonds with parents or primary caregivers are disrupted or severed. Familiar relationships - with friends, relatives, teachers, neighbours - are frequently lost, as routines change or when children move to a new area.

Right when they need connection the most, many children lose it. That’s precisely why helping them build and hold onto real, lasting relationships must be the system’s top priority - especially for those adults directly involved in their care.

The child protection system isn’t designed to prioritise relationships. We create paperwork trails instead of pathways to belonging. We enforce contact hours, not relationships. We offer programs, not people. We terminate services because funding ends - not because someone is safe, well or connected.

This doesn’t look or feel like care, especially when we hear the lived experiences of children and families on the receiving end.

Let’s call it what it is: relational deprivation.

Children in care are being let down not just by what the system does, but by what it fails to do - offer consistent, caring, human relationships that don’t “time out.” We all say relationships matter, but do our daily practices reflect that?

Are you being REAL?

“We want people to be real and human. Connection means being physically there and present." – ‘Will’, 21 years old, with lived experience of care

We’ve spoken to many people across the care sector, including young people who have grown up in out-of-home care, about what a ‘relationships first’ approach looks like. Drawing on these conversations, we’ve had a go at a simple way to reflect on whether our behaviours, actions and ways of caring truly reflect our espoused values of being relational.

We call it REAL - a self-check that invites us to consider how we show up in our work through Relationships, Empathy, Attitude and Language.

At its heart, being REAL means responding as people, not just professionals. It’s a way to bring a more relational approach to our everyday practice. Here’s a first cut:

R – Relationships

Do the children and families accessing your service feel a real connection to someone? Or just a rotating cast of professionals?

• Do you spend more time with forms or with people?
• Are workers allowed (and encouraged) to form bonds that last beyond a funding cycle?
• Could we offer a point of connection that lasts, even informally?
• Is there space for matching children and workers based on personality, culture and identity - or is that seen as ‘a luxury’?

Relational work isn’t meant to fit neatly into financial years. It requires sticking around - and sometimes that means showing up out of hours, or outside the job description.

E – Empathy

Empathy means actively seeking to understand how things look and feel from a child or family’s point of view - and letting that understanding shape how we respond.

• Are we asking, “What’s helpful for you?” or just offering what’s available?
• Do we take time to listen, be present, and show kindness - or do we rush through tasks to meet deadlines?
• Are we willing to feel discomfort ourselves, to build trust and show we’re safe?

Relational care means being willing to get close. To be vulnerable first. To let people feel seen before they’re assessed. Without empathy, care becomes control. With it, care becomes connection.

A – Attitude

Whose side am I really on - the system’s, or the family’s?

Attitude is about our posture. It’s the mindset we bring into every interaction: how we see the people we work with, and how we believe change really happens.

• Are you working by the book, or by your values?
• Do you challenge systems that get in the way of doing what’s right - or stay silent because it’s safer?
• Do you act as if people are capable, resilient and worth your time - or like they’re just another case?

Does your organisational culture support deep, human connection - or does it actively discourage it?

• Do care workers feel they have permission to be themselves, to be vulnerable, to connect?
• Are they surrounded by relational role models - or stuck in systems that reward task completion?
• Is time spent listening, being present, or following a gut instinct respected - or seen as inefficiency?

An organisation can have a multitude of policies - but people copy behaviour, not documents. If the organisation has an attitude that devalues connection and prioritises compliance, what kind of care are we really offering?

L – Language

Do our words reflect dignity and humanity - or bureaucracy and control?

• Would you use the same language in your own family as you do at work? “Contact.” “Respite.” “Placement.” “Client.”
• Do children and families see themselves in your words - or feel alienated by them?
• If a parent or young person overheard you describe them, would they feel respected?

Language isn’t neutral. It either builds connection or reinforces distance. Every word is a chance to show you care - or to show you don’t.

REAL is not a checklist. It’s a challenge.

Being REAL is not about tweaking the margins of a broken system. It’s about asking the uncomfortable questions, like:

• Would I want this kind of care for my child? My family?
• Am I upholding policies that harm more than help?

Being REAL is about connecting through our shared humanity. About reflecting on aspects of the current system we don’t agree with. About resisting harmful policies. About standing for what we know is right.

Many care workers are doing their best in a system where true connection is often hindered. Time pressures, excessive paperwork, and rigid protocols can crowd out the vital, ongoing effort of building real relationships.

But despite this, across the system, people are showing that a different way is possible. Even in a complex, rules-heavy system, small relational acts - how we show up, listen or speak - can make a real and lasting difference. These everyday actions matter. They shape how children and families feel, and whether trust can grow.

Being vulnerable with children and families can feel really hard, and this is why we are talking about a different approach to reflecting on this work.

Relational care isn’t a technique. It’s a way of being, interpreting and doing that sees strong, supportive relationships as the foundation of real care (see Garfat, T., Freeman, J., Gharabaghi, K., & Fulcher, L. (2018). Characteristics of a Relational Child and Youth Care Approach Revisited. CYC-Online, October 2018).

🌱It means unlearning habits that confuse compliance with compassion.

📋It means rejecting the idea that paperwork is proof of progress.

✨It means measuring success by outcomes - like the strength of a child’s relationships or how safe they feel - not by outputs like how many contact visits were completed.

Every interaction is a chance to offer connection - or to withhold it. When we bring presence, care and consistency into the smallest moments, we open the door to trust. We create space for dignity. We build connection.

Let’s not assume we’re doing relational care just because we say relationships matter. Let’s rethink systems and cultures so care actually means connection, and being human comes first.

Further resources

The Relationships Project in the UK is packed with evidence and case studies on relationship-centred practice. Visit relationshipsproject.org

Read more in the Supporting children and families to flourish report by the James Martin Institute for Public Policy, a collaborative project with the Centre for Relational Care (see reflective questions on page 16)